Anthony Bourdain once said “There’s a guy in my head, and all he wants to do is lay in bed all day long, smoke pot, and watch old movies and cartoons. My life is a series of stratagems, to avoid, and outwit that guy”. Who is “that guy” for you, and what do you do to avoid him?”
This is my version:
There’s a version of me in my head and all they do every day since I was thirteen is tell me I’m a failure, to cut my wrists, to turn the car into oncoming traffic. They say, “you will end up homeless sleeping under newspapers alone, unwanted, disgusting and seen as a non-human by those who are better than you in every way” daily, all day long. Some days it is worse than others but it is persistent. My life is a series of stratagems with a usage of cbd heavy cannabis, prescribed and monitored mental health medications, therapy, journaling, and social group events, to avoid, and redirect that person in my head. To block them out with writing, researching films and writing stories about them, playing video games, trying to get better at my art, researching political history, writing stories about humanist ideas I support and wish to share, volunteering, performing stand up, and doing impersonations to make people laugh, and going to school to get my degrees finally finished. Everyday is me running from the siren song of death because I say to myself, “I haven’t finished yet what I want to do’ and there is no rest for this wicked person until I make this world better for everyone without sacrificing someone else’s life”. When that is done then I can finally rest, then I can fall to the black void that is death I experience at twenty-one, and then I can enjoy that dark peaceful oblivion, but not today and not for some time to come.